bwahaha. i loved today's "training". physical. used the gym for about an hour. then we sort of sprinted around the school twice. so fun! loLx.

after that, some of us sec2 decided to go watch the boys play soccer. 2a, b & c vs d. ha! lamers. even primary school kids play a more interesting game. when we got there, they were just gonna finish the first half. =/ syida brought arwan to the park. he's so cute!! haha. and he's so charming, considering he's a year old. haha. so, we girls, instead of watching the game, we played with arwan and a little bit of soccer. haha. all in all..i had fun today.

although i had fun, im still having some worries at the back of my mind. aiz-

anyways, last night..talked to buk. and i realised then that guys take relationships way more seriously than girls. they can get totally obsessed! and its not right. it doesnt feel right. guys get depressed and everythings dumped on the girl theyre obsessed about. so who's fault is it really?

im tired..my body's still in its "recovering" stage..how can i withstand tomorrow's training??

ashwini
You are adventurous with a tendency to be foolhardy. You are aggressive and definitely have leadership abilities. You try to be prudent. You have good business acumen. You work hard to achieve material success through your own efforts. You have high aspirations and a cheery disposition. You are relatively demonstrative in your affections. You enjoy being stroked verbally and physically. You can handle details well. You have a methodical mind. You need to learn to give and receive love for love's sake. You have a need to be assured of affection.

its sort of true! im feeling very.. happy.. sad.. scared.. all mixed up inside..

have you ever felt there are times when you love someone [it doesnt have to be that special guy/girl in your life or your family] and even though you love them, you're not sure that you really do? when some of the things they do really pisses you off, have you ever wondered if you just love them because youre obliged to? and when that thought arises, do you feel all guilty and confused inside?

it happens to me a lot..not just about my family, even my bestest best friend in the whole world, lati. its like another one of the "can never be explained" kind of thing. but then, just like that, i found some sort of an explaination for my feelings. maybe, just maybe, i love them too much..therefore numbing myself towards them? in that way, whatever horrible things they do, i wont get disappointed or something? so simply put, i just love them too much until its overwhelming.

my family.. aqil.. lati.. dyn.. buk.. and all my close friends that mean so much to me. i love yal!!

taking my mind off things..this really helps:

proving that 2=1
let x = y then x.x = y.y or x.x = x.y ( substituting one y by x in the right hand side) or x.x - y.y = x.y - y.y (subtracting y.y from both side) or (x + y)(x - y) = y(x - y) (dividing both side by x - y) which is equal to x + y=y (putting y=x) therefore x + x = x therefore 2x = x and 2 = 1 (proved)

sick of this shit!! what the hell does rafika have against me?! im "temporay soLutions to permanent probLems" the other person's my junior.

FrIeNdShIpIsN’tAbIgThInG…..iTsAmIlLiOnSmAllThInGs says:
n rafiqah is gettin more irritatin.........every dae she ask raihana eh.ashwini gd meh? ashwini pretty meh? n so on....irritatin sia
FrIeNdShIpIsN’tAbIgThInG…..iTsAmIlLiOnSmAllThInGs says:
i feel like slappin her
temporary soLutions to permanent probLems.. says:
aiyorx- i oso dunno wich is da truth lar..
temporary soLutions to permanent probLems.. says:
she tol aidil she dun lyk aqil..aishah da wan hu lyk..
temporary soLutions to permanent probLems.. says:
then sae she got prob wid her "bf"
temporary soLutions to permanent probLems.. says:
& i haf no idea wadz goin on..
temporary soLutions to permanent probLems.. says:
so sickening..is she so despo to be recognised by her male seniors?
FrIeNdShIpIsN’tAbIgThInG…..iTsAmIlLiOnSmAllThInGs says:
tt's y
temporary soLutions to permanent probLems.. says:
hmmx..wadz her problem?
temporary soLutions to permanent probLems.. says:
wad did i evr do to her?
FrIeNdShIpIsN’tAbIgThInG…..iTsAmIlLiOnSmAllThInGs says:
i dunno
FrIeNdShIpIsN’tAbIgThInG…..iTsAmIlLiOnSmAllThInGs says:
she sae its not cuz of aqil tt she dun like u...she sae she juz doesnt like u....dunno la she sae many things....i aso cant remember.....dun wish to remember aso
temporary soLutions to permanent probLems.. says:
but 1) she dunno me
temporary soLutions to permanent probLems.. says:
2) i dunno her
temporary soLutions to permanent probLems.. says:
3) hell, she nvr even tok to me befor.
temporary soLutions to permanent probLems.. says:
can undastan y dun wanna rem..
FrIeNdShIpIsN’tAbIgThInG…..iTsAmIlLiOnSmAllThInGs says:
cuz wadeva she sae is not true n i hate her
FrIeNdShIpIsN’tAbIgThInG…..iTsAmIlLiOnSmAllThInGs says:
next time she tell me smth....i'll tell u immediately.....k....
but nowadaes she dun really tell me anythin cuz tt stoopid justin told her i n nas alwaes tok bad abt her...but if she tell..i will tell u
temporary soLutions to permanent probLems.. says:
haha..but hu gives a shit..
temporary soLutions to permanent probLems.. says:
if i got anythin frm u oso i can onli listen to it & judge her
FrIeNdShIpIsN’tAbIgThInG…..iTsAmIlLiOnSmAllThInGs says:
yeah.......
FrIeNdShIpIsN’tAbIgThInG…..iTsAmIlLiOnSmAllThInGs says:
she juz jealous......"aqil-flirter"

dont like me for no reason. fine. least i know my juniors are willing to help me.

the weird thing about keeping a "journal" is that even though it's supposed to be your private book, youre constantly aware of the chance that someone else will read it. so you never really write for yourself, and only yourself. or you can never figure out whether you are or not. it just goes to show how invisible the facade can be..the fakeness is there, whether you can detect it or not, whether you like it or not.

maybe it works that way with people's personalities too. i mean..youre never really sure whether or not youre pretending, are you?

another day at home..while everyone else is at school! =)

last night we finally went to take the stupid pics. 2 inch by 2 inch. so bloody troublesome! and expensive too..

hmmx..maybe staying at home isnt such a bad thing. i got the house all to myself, and im actually catching up with my homework [though there'll be more when i get back to school tomorrow]. i just dont feel like going to school! who does? if i had a choice, and if my parents would allow, id prolly opt to do home study or something. much better than going to school and finding your teachers' noses in your private life.

it seems to be getting worse. getting mc..a good chance for me to 'run' away again. to try and procrastinate the inevitable in a sense, to buy more time to think through.

when will dunman start using edquinox entirely? it's boring if you got something that doesnt work like it's supposed to.

havent told yal how powerful a drug the doc gave me. jeez- i took one and a half pills yesterday afternoon only and up till this morning, my nose was still damn clear. plus, it totally knocked me out. like a sleeping pill that cures flus? took another one and half 5 min ago..and i feel like i could sleep forever.

meanwhile..dreading tomorrow.....

loLx. i gave school a miss! haha. got 2 days mc.. =)

woke up this morning..voice still sore and blocked nose. went to my mother and she just said "if you dont wanna go school, go back to sleep, i'll take you to the doc." haha. and so, i skipped school!! means..missed science and eng test. =/ but i forgot i had tests today! aqil just called and reminded me.

mum took emergency leave too. another lazy one in the family. haha. we did some shopping and now..waiting for lunch while doing art..

maybe yesterday i was still hyper that i forgot what i missed at hip hop fest. too phat. -bLeaGhz- khabir was telling me about some stuff that happened at hhf after i left. now i regret leavin at 10+. i couldve/shouldve stayed till the show ended!!

*w0oho0o~* loLx. feeling sorta hyper [though im still tearing a whole lot and having a runny nose]. was at the hip hopt fest just now. haha. at first, me & dyn were malu to go in. everyone seemed to be like 16+ but after lati came, we all went in round 5+.

imran's performance was great! one of the songs was butterflies. haha. he can sing damn high pitch! dyn went home round 7. but me & lati sticked around till 10+. woah. standing around for 5 hours! surprisingly, saw quite a lot of dunmanites.. -musa.. aidil.. khabir.. nizham.. terry.. zamir.. nasrul [poser!! -his "raps" suck!].. and got to see hakeem again. so much for his mohawk do. haha. hmmx.. even one of the ltc instructors were there, looking good, i must add. haha.

and back to performances, finally got to see fab forte, triple noize & ttc perform. d'kruz & ground0 rocked!! loLx. and lati's sis performed with her group, femme fatale.

we hung round the front till 8+ but we got tired so the rest of the time, we went to the back. perfected some dance moves? haha. was laughing and shaking our asses almost all night. loLx. am so sleepy..nite-

why am i so pissed off?! i was depressed just now..but now im pissed off? why, why, why?!

It's early in the morning
Soon another day will dawn
I can't wait to feel your arms
Around me again

I believe that we could
Lay down the world
Together we could live
The dream that never ends

Open up the door
Just a little more
Baby, let me in

You are the one, You are the one
Who can make moments last forever
The one that makes the sun shine
Where ever you go
Why make it harder, than it has to be
Just listen, I'll give you love
If you'll give me your heart

Everytime I near you
Time is standing still
There's nothing you can't fix
With your heavenly smile

I would never leave you
My love is for life
Taking things for granted
Was never my style

Just give a little love
Say you'll never stop
I'll do anything

You are the one, You are the one
Who can make moments last forever
The one that makes the sun shine
Where ever you go
Why make it harder, than it has to be
Just listen, I'll give you love
If you'll give me your heart

And I'll do anything
If you give me your heart
I'll do anything

You are the one, You are the one
Who can make moments last forever
The one that makes the sun shine
Where ever you go

Give a little love
Say you'll never stop
And I'll do anything
I'll give you love
If you'll give me your heart

Where ever you go
You are the one
Why make it harder, than it has to be
Just listen, I'll give you love

If you'll give me your heart

20 sneezes already..jeez..im starting to tear too!

was just thinking..what is it with some teachers and netballers?! mr bernard has narrowed down netballers. *siGhs* and then chiew ching will kenna lecture from him..esp. if he suspect netballers for doing something wrong. its happening now..he called her yesterday. =/ -sCarEe!- what will happen when chiew ching 'retire'? will i be next in line to answer to mr bernard for everything?

"one day i feel good..the next day i feel bad. i have too many ups and downs. i think i'm suspended from the bungee cord of life!"

i think im coming down with a flu! plus sore throat. i been sneezing a lot today. on last count: 17 within a span of 10 and a half hours. loLx.

tomorrow's training has been changed to saturday. and tomorrow..me, syid, ren, clarion and pearlene. we're gonna help out at toa payoh sports hall for the nationals. *siGhs* last minute dont feel like going. =/ tried to go home immediately after school. but decided to stop off at white sands to top up my card. and then, me, aisyah and hanis went to play wid arwan. loLx. he's so cute!! and he's gonne be a year old this sunday. haha. his mo-hawk do not visible already. so sadded. didnt get to see him in it. haha.

-feeLinG moRe siCk tHaN evEr!!-

bored~

printing some home ec. stuff for syida. and my d&t..im dead. i handed in incomplete work. i havent completed my maths homework and my free verse poem is only halfway done! it's gonna be a long night.

didnt go to take pics after all? =/

mustve been the sudden changes in temperature or something but i really was sick last night. =/ slight fever. not really feeling too great now..throat hurts! but i'll live. =)

i am paranoid?

after school, i spent like 2 and a half hours practising shooting? watched the juniors train for a while. seriously, they very slack lor. *siGhz- they'll suffer in times to come. -eViL LauGh- loLx. not that sure why..but coach was scolding me, pearlene and irenaeus. she thought we were out with the seniors, god knows when. and we were damn blur about it. until seniors explained to coach we wasn't with them. haha. then after training, coach was joking with us. a nice change. =)

woah. was supposed to go take pics or something for application of u.s visa. but im so sleepy. so lazy. anyways, i came home early 'cause was gonna take the pics and then when i got home, dad wasn't even there. when i called him, he still could say "you're home early today." =/ hmmx..if im not wrong, my tuition starts tomorrow?

got a poetry assignment for homework..but..no inspiration!

damn my throat. been a long time since i visited the doc..maybe it's time for a little visit.

maybe it's just me..maybe, maybe, maybe. but just now..i swear i definately got mixed signals. i dunno what that's supposed to mean. maybe im just being paranoid. maybe im thinking on a different wavelength. maybe my imagination was running away with me. maybe. maybe. maybe. -feeLinG siCk-

LOVE

If you find yourself in love with someone who does not love you, be gentle with yourself. There is nothing wrong with you. Love just didn't choose to rest in the other person's heart.

If you find someone else in love with you and you don't love her/him, feel honored that love came and called at your door, but gently refuse the gift you cannot return. Do not take advantage, do not cause pain.

How you deal with love is how you deal with you, and all our hearts feel the same pains and joys, even if our lives and ways are different.

If you fall in love with another, and she/he falls in love with you, and then love chooses to leave, do not try to reclaim it or to assess blame, Let it go. There is a reason and there is a meaning. You will know in time.

Remember that you don't choose love. Love chooses you. All you can really do is accept it for all its mystery when it comes into your life. Feel the way it fills you till you overflow, then reach out and give it away.

Give it back to the person who brought it alive in you. Give it to others who deem it poor in spirit. Give it to the world around you in anyway you can.

This is where many lovers go wrong. Having been so long without love, they understand love only as a need. They see their hearts as empty places that will be filled by love, and they begin to look at love as something that flows to them rather than from them.

The first blush of new love is filled to overflowing, but as their love cools, they revert to seeing their love as need. They cease to be someone who generates love and instead become someone who seeks love. They forget that the secret of love is that it is a gift, and that it can be made to grow only by giving it away.

Remember this, and keep it to your heart. Love has its own time, its own seasons, and its own reason for coming and going. You cannot bribe it or coerce it, or reason it into saying. You can only embrace it when it arrives and give it away when it comes to you.

But if it chooses to leave from your heart or from the heart of your lover, there is nothing you can do and there is nothing you should do. Love always has been and always will be a mystery.

Be glad that it came to live for a moment in your life. Don't deny love just only you don't want to be hurt... IF YOU KEEP YOUR HEART OPEN, IT WILL COME AGAIN..

How sweet it is to be loved by you
I needed the shelter of someone's arms and there you were
I needed someone to understand my ups and downs and there you were
With sweet love and devotion
Deeply touching my emotion
I just want to stop and thank you baby
How sweet it is to be loved by you

I close my eyes at night
Wondering where would I be without you in my life
Everything I did was just a bore
Everywhere I went it seems, I'd been there before
But you brighten up for me all of my days
With a love so sweet in so many ways
I just want to stop and thank you baby
How sweet it is to be loved by you

You were better for me than I was for myself
For me, there's you and there ain't nobody else
I just want to stop and thank you baby
How sweet it is to be loved by you

*I Love How You Love Me

yeah..was just reading people's blogs. this one girl said "it's ok for strangers to read your diaries, etc. but when someone you actually know reads it, it gets akward."

and that's the bloody truth! but noone cares when a delusional kid rambles anyways. =/

If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary-wise, what it is, it wouldn't be, and what it wouldn't be, it would.

okie..continuation of my previous entry. on with my ramblings about racial harmony...

yesterday, syida so cute! she wore baju kurong and looked so pretty..so cute. dyn and ren were wearing kebaya. the best part of the day [maybe not the best, but definately the funniest.] was that dyn couldnt walk properly. haha. her skirt was too tight and she was the last one walking in our group. loLx. during recess..i brought down the camera. we ended up taking photos during recess. haha.

while taking pics with lati..danial actually came up to ask to take a pic with me. malu! after that, dyn took a pic of me & aqil. loLx. maybe it was just me..but she doesnt know how to take pics! whenever, she sees the people in the screen of the digicam, she would laugh and laugh. the people in the pic would laugh too and the pic would turn out even more hilarious. haha. after recess....peters let us take pics outside at the balcony there. took a pic of madhu and elroy. they looked very compatible. both of them were wearing indian costumes, summore. haha.

after school..i hung around the atrium. bought that sickeningly sweet thing. actually was hoping to get a pic of buk but again, didnt. says he's very happy about taking a pic with someone. haha. =)

yesterday, dyn and lati came over to my house. had a lot of fun. crapping as usual. me and dyn were kinda mean to lati.. =/ feeling a lil' guitly.

anyways, today.. oh yeah. the selection! loLx. we, sec2s are dumb. worry for nothing. all the 7 main sec2 players got into the 18. coach says over next few trainings, she'll narrow down. the whole morning, all we did was play games. it was so much fun! compared to normal trainings. haha. i like playing with yean ping. i just need to tell her "relax, easy and up" and she can score. some of the girls said we make a good combination. haha. we'll just wait and see.

hmmx.. -bLeaGhz- im being mistaken as someone's girl. but crappy things happen to crappy people. right?

-bLeaGhz- im stuffed!

at my cousin's house now..had lots and lots and lotsa good food. =) tryna get some homework done. ive got so much! realise that i pretty much suck at maths nowadays. esp. when it comes to simultaneous equations. crapp!

anyways, didnt blog yesterday. loLx. the racial harmony thingy. *want pics, ask me* i purposely left the house late and met syida at the bus stop round 7. haha. too malu to walk around in costumes so we took a cab and picked up melati along the way. jeez..melati actually made her kebaya 'tighter' by pinning it up the previous night. haha. but she still looked great though. although her 'assets' were still..noticably sticking out. *erheRm!~* loLx. when me and syida entered class..we were greeted by a shocking sight!

uraina was squatting down and her cheongsam's slit was like so.. gross, gross, gross! both she and sarah wore the bareback kinda cheongsam. heard they purposely bought the bareback kind specially for yesterday. GROSS. the most horrible thing was how disgustingly perverted the malay guys were being. whenever they walked past sarah, they'd stop and stare. jeez. all of them were practically steaming!

on the bright side: most people thought they looked disgusting, mostly because of the horrible tan lines. ah-hah! then this sec1 guy actually told sarah straight to her face that she looked like a pros. that itch deserves it!

other than that..the day was pretty okay. gotta go. will blog from home. cya~

finally..the nationals are over. our last, last, last, ever game as c division. this saturday..coach is gonna start selecting next year's teams.

hmmx. obviously, we kena thrashed by i.j toa payoh.

tomorrow racial harmony. i heard that it's still gonna be a normal school day. crapp.

was actually thinking a lot about tomorrow. pretty excited about it in some way lar.. but now, i dont have the mood to write anymore. tomorrow, perhaps.

My Life

Though I'm a tender age
Of just thirteen,
I've lived my life
With many hopes and dreams.

Although I'm determined
To succeed in life.
I know I'll be slowed down
By others who cause strife.

Those who believe
And think they're so phat.
Trying to cause problems
Well, you ain't all that!

I am strong,
I can make it on my own.
Who are you to tell me
That I've not yet grown?

I'm gonna be living my life
And you can't stop me.
I'll choose my own path
And create my very own story.

Make Your Choice

How long did we think
That all this could last?
Who could have counted the days
As they quickly flew past?

The nights we spent talking,
The times we had together.
You brought joys into my life,
Always accompanied by laughter.

You gave me pure bliss
Which I couldn't imagine before.
But I stand here now,
Holding open that door.

I can't force you
If you don't wish to stay.
But in my heart, I'm hoping
That you'll never go away.

So make your choice now
Without a worry or care.
You know I'll be able to survive
Even if you're not there.

*w0oho0o!* feeling sorta crazy. haha. poetry's kinda cool. =) starting to like it. and somehow..i actually have the inspiration to write some original pieces. kinda getting the hang of it.

today was b-o-r-i-n-g! so i will be going to the hip hop fest with aqil after all, courtesy of aidil. and i cannot believe aqil's taking raihanis' idea seriously! he bothers to look for a outfit to match mine. loLx. cute..

a while ago, lati took part in the poetry recitation thingy. i swear, that girl has a really really high chance of winning. among all the contestants, she was the only one with expressions and feeling. although..she did seem like really bitchy when reading. loLx. im sure she'll win. and then she can walk up to the stage and the camera can do a close-up on her face for all the seniors to see. haha.

hmmx..die. tomorrow got one last final game in the nationals. our last game as c division! so sadded. gonna be officailly b division. kinda makes me feel as if we're getting damn old. and coach will be finalising the team to be sent to the pesta sukan competition in august.

so bored now... *sighs*

couldnt publish posts yesterday!!

anyways..moday i was tryna update some things about nationals. we lost to river valley! somehow we werent really that bothered that we lost and are outta the nationals. but thinking about it. we had a chance to get to top4! we had so much potential and we blew it!!! was disappointing..but we'll get over it. hey, there's always next year and the year after that. clarion promised to give mr teo a longer season. =)

when we got back to school after the game, cleo actually bothered to sit with heyang and talk to him. jeez..you'd think she really likes him or something. [ which i really hope is NOT true! ] we played no man's land. haha. after which mr teo belanjah us bubble tea. talked a lot of crap with seniors and mr teo. as i was sitting..with my legs 'open' as usual, mr teo kicked me lightly and said "blame your parents you werent born a boy. only we guys have the right to sit like that." and that made me wonder. why wasnt i born a guy? loLx. *craPp*

today peters finally selected who would represent 2a for the poetry recital thingy. sean. haha. 2a's chance gonna be damn slim. melati came over just now. had lotsa girl talk. haha. feeling pretty okay now. weird thing, aidil is offering to pay for me & aqil if we wanna go hip hop fest. o.O

Which [Charlie's Angels] characters are you?

Love is unseen in many things
Things done for each other that go unnoticed
But through thick and thin and are there for each other
Kisses sent show the affection needed for each other
Yearn to share every waking moment
With this person and hope they feel the same
Everything you have you share
In sleep dreaming of the better half
In dream, it feels as if they were there
But sometimes when awake and reach for that person
They are not there...
Lying there and hug the pillow, wishing it was them

Another part of love is disappointment
You become elated when they are coming to visit
Only to find out later they cannot
Every day yearning to kiss and touch each other
When you are unable to get a hold of each other
Wondering what have said or done
That may have wronged them
For there cannot be love without pain
And there cannot be pain without love
There is not love without longing
As there is no longing without love
Open the heart wide to someone
Care about and worry about dearly
Hoping they know how much the love is

thought some change from the pinkish blog would do good. black is still the basic though.

tryna edit some things but the server seems to have something wrong. crapp.

could things get any worse? shit happened. and when i sorted it out with the respective people, more shit happens. down in the dumps again. *sighs* it's worse when i know that i shouldnt believe what's coming out of some certain people's mouths. but still, i cant help it.

I took the fruity fruit quiz

made by rav-chan

Check out which fruit you are

so sadded!! *rolls eyes* i only got 2nd for cross country. haha. buk was supposed to be a route marshall but he led me the wrong way and i had to turn around! *sighs* there's always next year and the year after that though. anyways, pei xian and me, (horsey! loLx.), both got 2nd. =)

melati told me quite a lot of things today. saddening..but i shouldnt be sad. *think sweet, happy thoughts..

Unscientific Answers

Are your palms sweaty? is your heart racing? And your voice caught within your chest?
It isn't Love, it's Like.

You can't keep your eyes or hands off of them, am I right?
It isn't Love, it's Lust.

Are you proud, and eager to show them off?
It isn't Love, it's Luck.

Do you want them because you know they're there?
It isn't Love, it's Loneliness.

Are you there because it's what everyone wants?
It isn't Love, it's Loyalty.

Do you stay not for their confessions of Love, but because you don't want to hurt them?
It isn't Love, it's Pity.

Are you there because they kissed you, or held your hand?
It isn't Love, it's being Unconfident.

Do you belong to them because their sight makes your heart skip a beat?
It isn't Love, it's Infatuation.

Do you pardon their faults because you care about them?
It isn't Love, it's Friendship.

Do you tell them every day they are the only one you think of?
It isn't Love, it's a Lie.

Are you willing to give all of your favorite things for their sake?
It isn't Love, it's Charity.

Does your heart ache and break when they're sad?
Then it's Love.

Are you attracted to others, but stay with them faithfully without regret?
Then it's Love.

Do you accept their faults because they're a part of who they are?
Then it's Love.

Do you cry for their pain, even when they're strong?
Then it's Love.

Do their eyes see your true heart, and touch your soul so deeply it hurts?
Then it's Love.

Do you stay because a blinding, incomprehensible mix of pain and elation pulls you close and holds you?
Then it's Love.

Would you give them your heart, your life, your death?
Then it's Love.

Now, if Love is painful, and tortures us so,
why do we Love?
Why is it all we search for in life?
This pain, this agony?
Why is it all we long for?
This torture, this powerful death of self?
Why?
Because it's...Love

Tears From My Eyes

wanted to cry, couldn't
all tears dried up.
not a tear, not a spark
nothing felt, nothing known

not with evil by my side, not when evil laughs within
the damage done, is not replaced
all feelings felt, all hearts abreak

wanted to cry,
couldn't just couldn't
all dried up, all feelings thrown
i'm sorry, but you couldn't feel it.
you never did. never ever.
tomorrow i shall not speak
unless a cause is of need.

just the kind of thing that gets me thinking. after which ill feel upset, depressed. but now i ask this question..why should words bother me? words from other unknown people no less! ...words cant bring me down.......

a lighter note..
the topping of our group for prelims of nationals was too short a victory. 'cause we lost against methodist girls yesterday!! so much for hoping to get to top 4. we were playing horribly and as expected, coach got really really pissed. hell, last night she even called all of us to ask why weplayed so badly. what's worse is that we could have won them.

so much for a "lighter note". anyways, netball aside..tomorrow's the cross country. haha. im aiming for first. =) this os the few things in which i feel like i must win. i wonder who ill be chasing this year. can still remember that last year i chased long xin and pei xian. once they disappeared, i was chasing oliver's dad. haha.

just now, during assembly, my name come out on the last year cross country winners thingy. haha. felt so proud.

oh yeah..got our 'allowance' from e-zone. *w0oho0o!* got money to spend this weekend!! what should i get for dyn, lati and aqil.. =)

depression is still lingering..but least its not so bad. past few days have been..to put it shortly..FUN!! haha. had my stupid periods and was feeling more crazy. =)

at yesterday's game, we won northland!! *w0oho0o!* so we've topped our group in the prelims..but we kenna all the strong teams in the next round. methodist girls, river valley and worst of all, i.j toa payoh. hopefully we'll get top4 and our hard work will finally pay off. what pissed me off about yesterday's game was that clarion couldnt shoot properly. and all coach said was "it's not your shooting day." crappy!! 'cause of that, changed the whole game plan and everyone was confused and clashing. sickening that up till now, she still gets the favouritism from coach. *sighs*

yesterday night, i also managed to find out that pasir ris crest netball girls have gotten news that our coach will be coaching them too. i guess it would be kinda fun..but still..those of us who know are still feeling selfish!

today, i got sabo-ed by my very own classmates. they actually nominated me to represent 2a for some poetry reading. tomorrow or friday, peters is gonna make all the nominees read out a poem then from there, class will choose representative. sickening..i know i wouldnt mind doing poetry reading. i kinda like it actually. but i get stage fright in front of the class!! representing the class would be worse. but then again, there's a 75% chance that madhu will represent us anyways.

btw, last week madhu took part in a beauty peagant or something. she won!! haha. so cool! included in the prize was items from billabong, 77th street and all these kinda things.

on a more personal level..

aidil's still as untrustworthy as ever. *note to self: never ever trust him again. he's had his chances. regarding other stuff..im still insecure and all lar..i doubt that feeling will ever go away. *sighs* but what's worse is that im feeling things i shouldnt be feeling for another guy. confused..

anyways.. tomorrow's the first quarter-final games..must rest.

i wanna sleep!! but i dont dare to. past few days have actually been crazy for me. yet i managed to plaster a smile on my face around people everyday. when alone, that's when i sort of mourned for myself. pathetically.

itz just there at the back of my mind..has been for the past few days. ever since ikmal made that stupid comment, i cant help but think the worst of everything. in fact, i got so depressed about it, i dreamt about it last night. i fell asleep thinking about friday's bazaar..and then i saw myself at the 'cafe' in the surfing-in room. the atmosphere was great. dim lighting, big crowd. then i saw something. something that made me feel so sick. and i was running..just running and running and running. away from it all..that was when i woke up in tears.

i was so depressed about it till i even dreamt about it. *paranoia* someone told me that "dreams are repressed memories or thoughts" and its very true (refer to 2nd paragraph, 2nd line). *sighs* though just now some of the reasons for the situation was brought to light, it still doesnt change the fact that everytime i think about it, i feel hurt, cheated and very insecure.

thinking about it all day was bad enough but now it seems to be starting to haunt my dreams as well. we shall have to see tomorrow. the worse thing is that somehow in school it'll stay at the back of my mind but somehow ill make myself smile..be cheerful. and if people notice me looking sad and ask me what's wrong, i just say that im feeling crazy again or im having pms. its like im running away from confrontation..

if this thing didnt involve the 2 most important people in my life, i probably could shrug it off simply buti just cant. and the more i think of it, the more i try to blame it on ikmal for bringing it up but still..i feel the pain.

its true, the truth hurts. but somehow, its like in one of my previous posts, although these things are obvious to me, some certain people dont hesisate to continuously point out these things to me. and when these things are pointed out to me, even though i know that my dearest wont let me get hurt, i still feel the jealousy. i still feel the hurt. i still feel cheated. and it doesnt help that i know they're really mutually attracted to each other. in short, it hurts.

and it only hurt when people pointed it out to me. *sighs* im rambling now..but who cares? its like you were pretending all this while and someone unknowingly uncovers your stupid disguise. but even though you know you've been caught, everyday you pretend to be enjoying life, smiling through the days.

now im getting pissed at myself...........

Are You Naughty or Nice?

Which [Smallville] Characters are you?

part of the 'things going on' that i forgot to mention..we (netball girls) won fairfield methodist!! *w0oho0o~!* we're top 8 in sg!! haha. weird that im so excited about it but i forgot to mention it. that game was on wednesday..score 26-23 to dunman. loLs. cant wait for the match against northland - this coming tuesday. mr bob's the stupid coach. we gonna beat his team! just like we did to his damai team. =)

been reading the harry potter book 5 since wednesday. im already half way through and ive bitten all my fingernails off..i gotta finish it before my fingers bleed. up till now, i still havent found a way to stop myself from biting my nails. a stupid habit.

next sunday, dyn invited us over to celebrate her birthday.

cramps..cramps..i hate it!! and lati is going on and on now..blabberring. *pain.....

quite a lot of things been going on lately. today was the youth day bazaar..haha. cool~ *kinda* most of us netball girls went in our jerseys and jeans 'cause we had training after the bazaar. 2a did food again..but this time without the famous bandung. peters' wife actually made muffins for us to sell. god, it smelled great. =)

spent the whole morning walking around the school. it was quite a difference, considering last year i was stuck at the station all day and when i was finally free to go, everything/everyone was packing up. i finally managed to get henna designs done. i have no idea why but i have a thing for henna designs. sort of like the indian feminism in me. haha. managed to get some pics with some seniors. unfortunately, i didnt manage to get buk in a pic. *there's always next time*

throughout the bazaar, i realise i wasnt having that much fun. 'cause of that, i felt totally horrible. but i love netball, made me feel so much better.

i hate myself for feeling so insecure. although these things are obvious to me, some certain people dont hesisate to continuously point out these things to me. and when these things are pointed out to me, even though i know that my dearest wont let me get hurt, i still feel the jealousy. i still feel the hurt. i still feel cheated. and it doesnt help that i know they're really mutually attracted to each other. in short, it hurts.

Love is not judgemental,
Love is lending a hand to a stranger in need

Love is not painful,
Love is knowing the sacrifices are worth it

Love is not biased,
Love is recognizing someone's pain and being there for comfort

Love is not difficult,
Love is opening your heart to those who want to give

Love is not selfish,
Love is putting another's heart above your own

Love is not blind,
Love is being able to look in the mirror and know you are someone special

Love is not complex,
Love is sincere smile

Love is not distant,
Love is a heartfelt hug

Love is the one true gift we have to share with anyone, anywhere, in an unlimited supply.

My thoughts are blessed memories of those around me. Those I love. those I keep close to my own self being. With this every night will be treasured, because I know where my heart truly lies.

Have you ever looked into the definition of love, or ever even cared to? What about the respect issues? Even to yourself, or to others.

I have allowed myself to love and to be loved. I have allowed my self to fall and to catch the one falling. Without myself, where would I be? What would I do? Instead of what can I do?

My heart belongs to one, even if he is not the soul mate. That is something in the mix of it all. I miss you more then my last breath of air. I miss you more the blink of my eyes to cause the moisture they need. To me, you are the beating that keeps my heart going. With each day that passes, I find myself thinking about you more and more, and in return, you have me as I have you. I may not be the completion to your soul, but I always hope that I help complete your heart.

I know its short without being long. I love you..